Last weekend I got more done in the studio than I have in a while. IT's been therapeutic to get in the studio and lose myself again. I've been more than doubting my talents lately and lets not even mention my skills at work.
My weekdays are packed almost every hour with things to get finished. We're still taking care of mom at her house until her move to my sister's house in a few weeks.
I can't go in Dad's room. I cry when I go into their garage. It's packed with things that are specific to a "dad" and it smells like his cigarettes and car wax and oil.. things that remind me of dad. I see his car, empty and it makes me cry. I like to think that I was grateful for his presence when he was with us but now I realize I took him for granted more than I realized.
That he influenced me more than I ever knew and that I will miss him for the rest of my time on earth. These things won't go away. I doubt at this point that the grief will ever go away completely. Hopefully I can eventually morph the pain into something positive in my life.
I find myself achy more than I have been in a long time and I am most definitely more tired. I've had almost daily headaches - something I haven't experienced in years. I assume that this is some kind of side effect of grief that I'll just have to chug through.
Tomorrow marks just 3 weeks since we lost him..
Thank you to every single soul that left a comment on my blog, emailed me privately or said something on my facebook page. The fact that I'm really not alone in all of this is very helpful to me. I've always found that "community" is a comfort to me - like it was with Dad :0) So thank you from the deepest part of my heart and soul for sharing your stories with me and for any comforting words that you all sent... It means more than I can express (although I'm trying!)
I've decided to finish the reins that were a little too short that matched the aqua and black western pleasure bridle for Chelsea N. They will go to a friend that sent me a gift long ago that I haven't re payed and who also lost her dad earlier this year.
I want to do more silverwork and more braided bridles. I've started another braided bridle because My Muse (wiley thing she is) insisted.
I've also started on the fenders for Chelsea's western pleasure saddle and I have the clearest vision of it now. I'm excited to finish it if I could just find the energy and time!!
I read an article a while ago about how to keep oneself motivated as an artist. One of it's main points was this "Surround yourself with Believers. Believers in you and in your work". I am going to try to do this the monday before Breyerfest when a couple of truly talented tackmakers will visit my humble home and spend time with me. I'm so looking forward to this!! I'm going to take many photos so that I don't soon forget it..
Last but not in anyway least: Thank you to everyone that showed with my Tack at the 2011 NAN. (I hate that I couldn't send a piece for the raffle even though I was asked. I just couldn't see my way past the pain to do anything useful despite my best intentions) I know of at least one Top Ten with a partially braided bridle and I would LOVE IT If anyone else that showed with my tack and placed with it would drop me a line. :-) (and photos.. I love photos!!)