Last weekend I got more done in the studio than I have in a while. IT's been therapeutic to get in the studio and lose myself again. I've been more than doubting my talents lately and lets not even mention my skills at work.
My weekdays are packed almost every hour with things to get finished. We're still taking care of mom at her house until her move to my sister's house in a few weeks.
I can't go in Dad's room. I cry when I go into their garage. It's packed with things that are specific to a "dad" and it smells like his cigarettes and car wax and oil.. things that remind me of dad. I see his car, empty and it makes me cry. I like to think that I was grateful for his presence when he was with us but now I realize I took him for granted more than I realized.
That he influenced me more than I ever knew and that I will miss him for the rest of my time on earth. These things won't go away. I doubt at this point that the grief will ever go away completely. Hopefully I can eventually morph the pain into something positive in my life.
I find myself achy more than I have been in a long time and I am most definitely more tired. I've had almost daily headaches - something I haven't experienced in years. I assume that this is some kind of side effect of grief that I'll just have to chug through.
Tomorrow marks just 3 weeks since we lost him..
Thank you to every single soul that left a comment on my blog, emailed me privately or said something on my facebook page. The fact that I'm really not alone in all of this is very helpful to me. I've always found that "community" is a comfort to me - like it was with Dad :0) So thank you from the deepest part of my heart and soul for sharing your stories with me and for any comforting words that you all sent... It means more than I can express (although I'm trying!)
I've decided to finish the reins that were a little too short that matched the aqua and black western pleasure bridle for Chelsea N. They will go to a friend that sent me a gift long ago that I haven't re payed and who also lost her dad earlier this year.
I want to do more silverwork and more braided bridles. I've started another braided bridle because My Muse (wiley thing she is) insisted.
I've also started on the fenders for Chelsea's western pleasure saddle and I have the clearest vision of it now. I'm excited to finish it if I could just find the energy and time!!
I read an article a while ago about how to keep oneself motivated as an artist. One of it's main points was this "Surround yourself with Believers. Believers in you and in your work". I am going to try to do this the monday before Breyerfest when a couple of truly talented tackmakers will visit my humble home and spend time with me. I'm so looking forward to this!! I'm going to take many photos so that I don't soon forget it..
Last but not in anyway least: Thank you to everyone that showed with my Tack at the 2011 NAN. (I hate that I couldn't send a piece for the raffle even though I was asked. I just couldn't see my way past the pain to do anything useful despite my best intentions) I know of at least one Top Ten with a partially braided bridle and I would LOVE IT If anyone else that showed with my tack and placed with it would drop me a line. :-) (and photos.. I love photos!!)
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Yesterday, June 4, 2011 my dad's consciousness ceased to be. It was pretty much the worst day of my life, although today doesn't seem a whole lot better. It seems unfathomable that just two months ago, he was with us, albeit sick. I have no idea how to go forth and heal from this so I'm taking it hour by hour for now. I pretty much cry most of the time right now.
My dad was what everyone would want their dad to be. He was supportive, loving and really an all around great guy. He helped raise his grandsons (my nephews) and he was well on his way to a great relationship with my son. He was the caretaker to my mother who has Progressive Multiple Sclerosis and has had it for the past 20 years. She is unable to walk and use the right side of her body, he was her whole world. He helped others learn how to drive through AARP; He volunteered at the Veterans Administration Hospital here locally; helped my cousin through a very bad time; helped his friend Bob who has multiple health issues and doesn't have a car.
Dad loved cars the way I love horses. I've learned a lot about vintage American Muscle Cars and Drag Racing from him. I used to Accompany him to the NHRA Spring Nationals every year and the Annual Auburn, IN car Auction.
I'm comforted in a small way by the fact that I spent 12 hours by his bedside this past Thursday and Friday and that I made a special effort to visit him every day while he was in the nursing home. I think I only missed two days: Kentucky Derby Day and the Day that my son had ear surgery. Hopefully he understands..
I miss him already...
If you still have your parents in your life, then please go hug em..