Me and my ADHD brain

(Not intended in any way as medical advice. This is just my experience.)

When I was a kid, I was diagnosed with ADHD. This was in the early 1980s and no one really knew what that meant at the time.  I don't think my parents believed the drs either.  I was labeled as careless, lazy, "Not living up to her potential".   My parents disappointment in me was palpable.

My school years were entirely miserable. From the first grade on. I remember it.  I legitimately thought I was stupid. This was due to the fact that I never thought like anyone else I knew, I had constant racing thoughts, rejection sensitivity (shut down if anyone criticized me at all), some terrible rumination and I was constantly grounded from about 3rd grade on. 

A drawing from 8th grade. "New Year"

Art was my refuge.  I drew horses- ALLLL of the time. I could make a horse out of anything. Any craft object I was given, I made a horse. Any blank piece of paper, I drew a horse. When I was supposed to be taking notes, I would draw landing steeplechasers down the side of the paper.(because I have ADHD and it's far more fun to draw horses instead of listen to whatever the teacher was trying to say)

One time I had an art teacher tell my art class that: "If I gave you all a blank piece of paper, you wouldn't know what to do with it". So she gave the entire class a blank piece of paper. I drew an arabian charger with a bedouin on his back. :) No pictures, no prompts.. just what was in my head..

In order to keep my parents apprised in how I was doing in school, I had to carry an official piece of paper to each class and hand it to the teacher at the start, so they could record whether or not I did my homework (SO rare). Then I had to remember to pick it up at the end of class.  This was absolute torture. A neurotypical's solution for how to handle my brain. A task I could never EVER consistently complete. ("Lets give a kid with memory problems something critical to remember!")  I forgot to pick up that paper more times than I remembered it. Every time I left it at school(daily) my parents were livid and I would be grounded. I genuinely think this has contributed to my tendency to be a hermit now.

Depression obviously followed.(by 9th grade-thats another story- I am genetically predisposed to depression).  Turns out, being constantly told I was that much of a failure was bad for my self esteem

I did go to college for a short period of time but It was too overwhelming. I loved my art classes there though! I worked very very hard in them..

I moved on with my life and forgot about having adhd. I still knew that I was different but I thought everyone's brain was the same way mine is and I just couldn't handle life. I struggled mightily with every day tasks but I was able to come up with coping mechanisms that for the most part that masked my ADHD.(although at the time I didn't know thats what I was doing) Not completely mind you, I still forgot things and still had all of the obvious symptoms but again, I chalked that up to just being dumb. 

I learned to play pool pretty well(I still play!).  I learned photography.  I learned how to earn respect and praise at a job by working hard.  I learned to triple check my work. (most of the time)

ONe of my favorite photos that I took.

I learned as I hit my 30s that I'm not as dumb as I thought I was. I am actually fairly clever but I do not come to the same conclusions about things, the same way other people do. I started working in IT because it was easy for me to pick up. Maybe not necessarily the deep workings at that point, but if you gave me a piece of paper with the instructions on it I could follow it to the letter, perfectly and eventually expand on them.

one of my very early saddles owned by Rosemary Simeon

I bought a Rio Rondo Western saddle kit and it taught me how to make saddles. At the time, I was already making halters and bridles (something I also had done as a kid) but that saddle kit opened whole new world for me.. A new passion, and the confidence that maybe I really wasn't stupid, maybe I have a brain that was meant to do art and I've been forcing it to do other things. It was literally life changing for me. Miniature tack became my Zen and my lifeline to be able to recover each evening and each weekend from the trauma (I said trauma and I mean it) from working and having to deal with the outside world every day. I still didn't know why I couldn't function "like everyone else" but my miniatures helped keep my soul happy.

Miniature Arabian Native Halter that was woven on a loom

I learned miniature leather tooling, braidwork, silver working, weaving - I found that if I could come up with an idea on how to make something, I could make it happen! I eventually was able to look at a piece of tack and for the most part, know how it was made.

In my late 30s I started working for an amazing company that fufilled a community need and was not focused on dollars but on people and making their lives better. The culture was pretty good too and I was given the proper training for things and I flourished. I realized maybe I'm smarter than I thought and I was finally able to teach myself and learn new things without fear. I was supported and they constantly threw new things at me that I was actually able to, and wanted to, learn...

I realized that maybe I just needed to be taught how to do things differently...  Hands on, with specific directions so that I could memorize what I was doing and eventually expand past it.

I was feeling pretty good about things until I hit menopause. HOLY SH*T did things change.. As a woman's hormones shift, the effect on concentration and brain function change dramatically. That has definitely happened with me.

Intense Dementia-like Brain fog. Weight Gain from ravenous appetite. Sleep Disturbances to the point where I couldn't even get through a day without a nap; Let alone sleep through the night. Forgetting Everything- including setting up reminders to NOT forget. Not able to concentrate for long periods of time. Hot flashes. Frustration. Imgine working with all men and having to even try to explain any of that.(and I didn't.. I was ashamed of being female and "older")  I had a boss that I confided in at the time about my brain fog and in my year end review he mentioned it as a reason that my performance wasn't up to par.

I was also struggling with making things. I literally could not focus for a 30 minutes in a row. I woud do a knot and then have to surf the web on my phone. Then do another knot and surf the web on my phone. Entire saturdays just flew by like this with little progress on my miniatures work.

I see why in the "olden times", older women just drank Laudanum and sat around and slowly went "insane". lol

I knew about hot flashes but not the rest of it. At first I really thought I had dementia and that things were very very very very wrong and it was so scary. I had no support for it really, anywhere. Most OB/GYN practices are baby focused, not menopause focused. Thankfully there was one dr at my ob/gyn that prescribed some HRT for me but it still doesn't help everything.

Then, the company I worked for—a place that did a lot of community good and had a decent culture—was bought by a giant corporation that couldn’t have been more different.  The only thing in my life at that time, that was stable (other than my son) was my job. 

Everything at work was the same for a while but starting in January 2024, I had a new role thrust on me.  There was no relevent training for my new role and no supportive company culture.  I've had to fight to gain new knowledge and try like hell to learn on the side.  So much of what I went through (and am still going through) mimic'd the failure I felt in school.  But i'm trying and striving to learn every day now that I know that I CAN learn..

Last summer, after conferring with a new therapist (BLESS HER) I went to get re-tested for ADHD. Shockingly, the tests stated that I have ADHD. But I GET IT this time. Now science knows SO MUCH MORE about the ADHD Brain.

First and formost, the adhd brain is not a chemical imbalance. It is a Brain type. ADHD Brains are formed differently than a neurotypical brain. (you can google this)  Why does this matter to me? Because I am exactly who my brain has dictated I be. I cannot be anyone else. I cannot function in any other way than how I am functioning now. Good or bad. This is who I am. There is SO MUCH DEEP comfort in that knowledge.

Secondly, the effect of menopause on the ADHD brain is dramatic. My ADHD now is about 1000% worse than it's ever been in my life. It is severe. There is no way I can deny it now. I have had to completely refactor my life. I am not the person I was in my 30s or 40s. In fact the way that person in my 30's and 40s functioned is impossible for me now. I have a new reality. I am learning how to handle my life all over again. I can no longer mask. I can no longer strive to be "normal" every day and act "normal" every day. My emotions are deeper (like how? they were deep before?) and I just let them ride now instead of tucking them away and feeling them later like I used to be able to do.

I read a LOT of posts on reddit about adhd and menopause.  It is so cathartic to finally feel like I'm not alone.  It has also helped me make sense of what I'm going through along with my therapist.

One good thing about my company though, is that I can work from home. My therapist gave me a work accomodation letter stating that I needed to work from home due to my depression and ADHD. Without that I would probably be without a job.. At home I can 100% control my surroundings and I actually work longer and harder. Before that, I was having panic attacks before going into work. It all felt so overwhelming and compicated to get up, get breakfast, get a shower, do my hair and makeup, and drive into work. I was getting stomach cramps and migraines every single day. Then I would sweat profusely which would undo all of the work on my hair and makeup. I was a downright puddle of mess.. I'm so grateful that I can work from home during this time.

I am better now than I was 2 or 3 years ago. Even better now than I was last year. I have made some pretty big changes in my life (see two posts ago) and I am now able to work on my miniatures with a little more focus. And they bring me SO MUCH JOY!!! Now more than ever.

Please stay tuned to see new works.. :) I know this was a long "blah blah" post but thanks for reading to the end :)

Kelli's Bosalita, Bridle and Reins

 

In December 2023, I held a lottery for a custom bosal slot, and it was won by longtime customer Kelli K. In January, she sent me a beautiful reference photo of a true bridle horse — a horse trained in the Vaquero tradition, where progress is slow, intentional, and deeply respectful of the horse’s development.

A bridle horse is taught over time to eventually “pack a spade” — the iconic spade bit used in traditional western horsemanship. The horse begins its journey in a thick bosal as a youngster, then gradually transitions to thinner bosals as it matures. Some horses stay in bosals their whole lives, while others become full bridle horses like the one in Kelli’s photo. Even though he is a full bridle horse, he still wears a bosalita — not for control, but as a gentle reminder of head position. That detail really resonated with me and shaped the direction of the piece.

Kelli and I exchanged many emails discussing colors, textures, and overall look. She chose dark brown as the accent for the bosalita, with a herringbone interweave on either side and dark brown in the center. The base color was a lovely artificial rawhide from Land of Odds (I think!) — a shade I hadn’t used before, but I was thrilled with how it split and braided up. It had a beautiful finish and gave the piece a warm, authentic feel

My Crude Plan Drawing

Practice things and the start of kelli's reins

one of the attempts at a bosalita. this was too thick.

Kelli and I decided that the no color interweave was best.

bosalita, almost done.  I interwove each side individually and then interwove the middle with the same color thread.

The first attempt turned out too thick, so I had to start over — without any groundwork. (For those unfamiliar, groundwork refers to laying string or rawhide underneath a knot to give it shape and structure.) I was so happy with how the interweave turned out, especially since it was the first time I’d done it in this particular way. Definitely keeping that technique in my back pocket for future use. 

Finished bosalita.. looks a little lopsided here but it's not.. just needed to even out the heel knot.

Finished Bosalita and finished reins

finished matching mecate

The whole set finished! 

I actually started writing this post sometime last year, right after I finished the set. I was so happy when Kelli received it and really liked it! That’s always the most important thing to me — do my customers love what they receive? 

Let's Catch Up Shall we!?

It’s been over a year since I last posted — May 27, 2024, to be exact. And in that time, things in my life have changed dramatically.

I guess I’m always striving for more happiness and balance, but I’m really terrible at it… so when I feel it's time, I take big jumps.

This past year has tested me in ways I didn’t expect — emotionally and mentally. My day-to-day work is mentally demanding, and it drains me more and more as time goes on. Outside of that, I had to make a difficult decision to step away from a situation that no longer honored my peace.

I told a friend recently that there have been many more rock bottoms than I ever anticipated — but somehow, I kept climbing.

Now, I’m in a new house, with a new studio. Shockingly, it’s more organized than I’ve ever been! I still need to paint it a brighter color (my shoulder has other plans), but even as-is, it’s become a space where I can breathe and create again.

I’ve started making small works in it — like The Culprit, a bridle I’ve been wrestling with for over a year. If you read that post, you’ll know this piece has been a lesson in patience, persistence, and a little bit of madness. But in April, something finally clicked. Once I figured out the side knots, I understood how to do the longer knots — and that opened up a whole new level of possibility. I even challenged myself further by making a fully braided browband for it.

It won’t be for sale because the thread on one side is so much older than the other, it’s a different color… lol. But it still looks good in photos! I started a breastcollar to match, but I got excited about another project and abandoned that for now.

"the Culprit" finally finished!

I haven’t made another mecate yet, but I have everything set up and ready to go.

Earlier this year, I had a lot of mental plans to enter the Breyer tack contest, but as time went on, I realized I just didn’t have the energy or focus. I did make some experimental little bosals like this one to practice for what I had been planning to make. I originally meant for it to be a bosalita, but it’s just too big for a bosalita and too thin for a bosal. Still, I really like the two-color interweave on the nose button

Recently, I’ve been itching to make a new working-type saddle to pair with the bridle. I’ve been learning how to properly tool some Sheridan Style tooling, and I’ve had help behind the scenes from Evelyn Mundey — one of the masters of tooling in 1:9th scale. Thanks to her, I feel like I’m leveling up my game.

Some of my tooling practice

I also had a wonderful visit with Susan Bensema Young the week after BreyerFest. I was feeling really down, and her visit truly brightened my day — as always. It was so nice to reconnect.

As I settle into this new chapter, I’m realizing how much I want to feel less isolated. I’ve spent so long in survival mode that I’ve missed more than I’d like to admit — especially with my son. He’s 17 now, nearly grown, and I feel like I blinked and so much of his childhood slipped past me. But now, I have time. I can give him my time. I want to get to know him again, not just as my child, but as the young man he’s becoming.

I want to move more, feel better in my body, and rebuild a life that’s not just about getting through — but about being present, connected, and whole.

Aftermath- Quick Update

 

So this happened- unfortunately.  We had 80mph (128 kph) straight line winds so this poor tree had no chance. There was a rotted spot above this limb that we didn't know about.  I don't think we will be able to keep this tree because it's split too far down.  The sun sets in the west behind this tree at our house and this beautiful tree provided so much shade. : (  

Our first indication that there was an issue.... lol

Thankfully My partner's Jeep is ok!

I used a Leaf Identifier and found out that it is a "hackberry" tree. (a type of Elm) The neighbor told us that the previous owner did not plant this tree- that it literally just appeared one day.  I'm assuming a squirrel decided that spot was a good place to hide the seeds and it grew from that.

I get very attached to the trees in my yard.  I think of them as living things, like people.  The tree has been in this house much longer than we have- we are just stewards for them.  I'm thinking about making sure we keep a couple of chunks of wood to make something nice out of- but I don't know anything about "hackberry" trees so I don't know if that is possible. 
Across the street from us, there are beautiful houses with back yards that end at a creek. Unfortunately one of the neighbors there lost two GIANT trees when they were completely uprooted and thankfully fell towards the creek.  
There was damage all across the area and into the surrounding counties.  I'm sure there will be more photos as time goes on. Those storms were really strong!
I hope that your Memorial Day weekend is much less eventful than mine!

What does an artist do when there is a storm?

 

Last night and this afternoon, there is/was a huge wave of storms that flew across the midwest and south in the US.  I was terrified for my friends on Facebook last night that lived out in Nebraska, Kansas and North Texas.  Post after post about giant tornados and storms ripping through.  It was late too, like 10:30pm central and I worried for them.

I haven't had time to see reports of damage today, I read that there was a few different giant tornados that came through those areas. I hoped everyone was/is ok.

As I sit here and wait for the warnings to go off here, I was thinking about what I do when storms like this are forecast.  I Grab all of my current work and take it to the basement with me. I know that seems silly but the work I have current represents hours and hours of work and if the worst happens, I want to know that it's safe and that I can start on it again.  I want to have some things that are "normal" just in case.

This saddle took me about 5 years to complete because of my life being uprooted and upheaved while making it. I took it to the basement every time there was a storm. I couldn't bear the thought of it being destroyed after it took so long to make.

I also take my tackbox full of my tack and others' tack to the basement with me because a lot of my work is in there, and It would crush me to see it destroyed.

Where I live is in a valley.  We have been so fortunate that most of the storms go around us. It's sometimes like we have our own weather pattern. I hope that is the case again today and I hope that everyone in the outlying areas are spared any damage.

What to you take to the basement during a storm?

Sunday Sunday Blah Blah

 

As you may or may not have gathered from my other posts, I'm trying to figure out a way to do art full time.  Or maybe part time- and work part time. I am an IT person so part time IT work isn't really a thing.

On my miniatures website, I've been trying to retake "cleaner" photos of the work I do still own.  I am not as good as professional photographer that is practiced in taking photos of products. I'm trying to use the lifetime of experience that I have with photography though to take at least BETTER photos than the phone snaps I've been using with clean backgrounds.

Mostly my website is a portfolio site for my miniatures.  I have a custom domain and since I don't sell over there on that site it's a reasonable fee. I've tried testing out other web hosting providers but using a custom domain makes it a bit more expensive than average and Smugmug is actually the cheapest.

https://www.desertnightcreations.com

I'd like to share a few of the new photos I've taken recently with you:

I am working on a Private project for a customer- The winner of the December Custom Bosal Lottery that I can't share yet so I don't have as much as usual to talk about.  BUT  I am also working on the green show bosal here and there.. and I have finished up,  finally, after years and years.. a friends braided bridle.  She is going to show at Equilocity this year and has offered to show some of my work.

Also I still have the Royal Blue, Black and White Bosal at auction and it ends monday evening (eastern time) SO Grateful for everyone that has bid and that supports my work.. It helps to inspire me to make more!!

Royal BLue, Black and WHite Bosal

I hope you've had a good week and Happy Sunday!

The Royal Blue black and White bosal is For sale at auction!

 

Seriously I'm SUCH a goof.. lolol  I totally forgot to Blog that this bosal/Hackamore/Mecate are at auction on Model Horse Place!

LINK TO BOSAL AUCTION 

The auction ends on monday so you have plenty of time to bid early and bid often! Lolol!!

Please enjoy these photos!  I've been trying to "up my game" with photographing my work in a more "arty" setting but I couldn't resist taking at least a couple of photos of it on my Palomino Lady Phase!